Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
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