i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
