Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Randomize
