Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Someone shit on the floor
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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