i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize