I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
