She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Randomize
