Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Randomize
