I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
We named our party play list daddy issues
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I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
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You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
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