I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Randomize
