someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
That accounts for only three of the penises
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
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