I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Randomize
