hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
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