"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
