I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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