She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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