feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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