Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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