Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Randomize
