Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Randomize
