So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
