This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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