I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
