Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
