god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Randomize
