i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Randomize
