I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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