Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
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Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
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I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
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