I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
