A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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