after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
