I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Randomize
