Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
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