just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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