Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
