You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
