WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Randomize
