I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
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