No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
i think my cat just said my name.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
