Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
