If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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