You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
