Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Green mimosas i think yes
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
