I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
