I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Randomize
