wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
