I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
