Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
