I looked at my own cervix.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Im just a social blackout drinker.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Randomize
