My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
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