my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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