It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
her facebook's as public as her vagina
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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