Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
I feel like death gave me a hand job
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
