somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
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i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
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Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
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