You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Randomize
