So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
