So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Randomize
