she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I think im going to throw up on grandma
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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