dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
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