i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
