last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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